I want to start this post off immediately by stating that I am still pregnant and our baby is healthy.
We did, however, have a big scare this past weekend. On Saturday, I started to feel a bit off during the day. I had discomfort low in my pelvis and lower back. I thought initially that I may have had a UTI coming on. I was at a birthday party about two hours from home, so I decided to head home a bit early in hopes that I could get home before I started to feel worse. As I was driving, the slight discomfort grew quickly into a rather intense cramping feeling. The intensity would come and go and at it's worst, it would cause my breath to catch. I began to feel certain that I would bleed.... as if it would somehow release the pressure I was feeling. I was praying and trying to stay calm as I drove the rest of the way home. When I was just a few freeway exits from my exit to get home, I felt what I had been dreading. I didn't know how bad it was. When I got home, I discovered that it was indeed quite heavy. Had I been in the car much longer, the seat would have been ruined. I thought it was over at that point. I was devastated and afraid. I didn't know how big the baby would be of if I would pass it on my own. At 12 weeks, we're looking at potentially a decent size baby... ya know? (About plum size). My mom suggested that I go in and have a doctor assess the situation. We agreed that this was a wise choice and went in to our local ER. This is where I'll cut out all the boring details about sitting in a waiting room from ten pm until three am.
While we were waiting, I was thinking about how I would explain things to Ballerina. I wondered how much Hipster would understand. (Not much, I'm sure.) I thought about how our God is sovereign and in control. I thought about my grandma, who is daily slipping closer to Jesus due to cancer, holding our baby before we did. I thought about how glad I am for the promise of Heaven and what it means for us in times that we face death. I knew that it would be painful and difficult, but that the Lord would carry me through. Just like He was faithful to do twice before. I felt angry at the unfairness in this world, and yet, I knew that pain in the world exists because we are a fallen and sinful people, not because we have a mean God.
I was roused from these thoughts by the nurse calling me back to do an ultrasound. When she told me our baby had a good strong heartbeat and was wiggling around so much she was struggling to measure him or her, I was shocked. And thrilled beyond belief. Throughout the entire night, after multiple tests, they were unable to determine the cause of the bleeding. I'm really hoping and praying that when I go in for my follow up on Monday and an actual OB looks at my tests, that his highly trained eye will be able to determine the cause. So, for now, I am on bed-rest. Since going on it, the bleeding has stopped. The cramping comes and goes, but it's not like it was at all. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point. Our baby is indeed measuring right around 12 weeks in size. He or she looks like this at the moment:
The doctor told me that any time there is unexplained bleeding, there is a present risk of miscarriage. They call this a "Threatened Miscarriage"
So, I'm going to do everything I can to keep this baby snuggled safely in my womb, but in the end, it's truly in the Lord's hands. I have to rest in His love for me and trust that He will always work in my best interest. Please pray for our family. Pray that we will remain hopeful and optimistic and not be burdened by fear and doubt. Pray that we will stay surrendered to His will. Pray that our baby will stay healthy and be born at term. Pray for my precious husband. He has truly stepped up to the plate. He is taking great care of me as well as working his full time job and trying to keep up on all the other little crazy things going on in our life. (Read about them here.) Pray that the Lord would direct us in how to proceed with our adoption through this hectic time. Please pray that the faith of our children will be strengthened during this trial. As we were leaving for the hospital, Ballerina said to me, "I know it doesn't seem very likely, but I'm gonna pray for a miracle. I'm praying that Squishy is ok." Imagine my joy when I was able to share with her the news that the Lord said yes to that prayer.
So now, I start my bed-rest journey. I hate feeling like a useless lazy bum invalid, sitting on my tush while my husband takes care of everything, but if in January I get to hold this baby in my arms, it will all be worth it. And we have a great church family that has offered to help us during this process.
Hey... maybe now I'll finally master knitting. ;)
~From my couch to your home~
"Sit still, my daughter, until you know how the matter will turn out." Ruth 3:18